This is the first month of trying again after losing Harry. It’s been seven months, a long hard journey along the way but I feel finally the time is right.

Losing Harry…

Harry was a big surprise that came into our lives July 2019. We wasn’t expecting to get pregnant after months and months of nothing. This was the first time not using an app as a tracker but using ovulation tests. The plan was to take vitamins and keep up healthy eating.. I had no belief that it was going to happen for us.

The positive result made me burst into tears. I was late by a few days. Nothing unusual as I don’t get regular periods, they vary all the time for. No real reason but obviously this made things harder.The fact that it had was so shocking it broke me.

Over the next few weeks I had a very healthy pregnancy, we were excited, everything was great. I had all the symptoms including odd ones and I was dreaming of the day we met our little one.

Somethings wrong….

The week of the scan, I woke up filled with dread and the feeling something wasn’t right. Being anxious anyway with the shadow of past loses in mind I was scared something was wrong. James convinced me it was nothing to worry about. After a phone call with the midwife and they basically telling me the same and try to relax.

The scan

The12 week scan was the end of our baby journey. we discovered after two weeks of tests and scans that Harry had passed away and was a result of a silent miscarriage. (Click here to learn more)

After the assisted miscarriage

My life basically folded in on itself. There is not other way of saying it. I struggled so much after losing Harry. I hated being home. Every where I walked, I heard the excited chats James had I had had, the plans had gone. Everything about it was painful, physically and emotionally. I cried for weeks, I didn’t see anyone nor go out. Life felt truly over.

No longer there…

It was November (a month after losing Harry) it truly hit he was gone. Over the 13 weeks of having him with me I’d got into the habit of talking to him. I used to feel him in there, I just knew he was there. The day I couldn’t feel him anymore what’s the final hit.

January

January brought the time we had been waiting for. Any results that told us why we lost our baby. We had opted to have Harry tested for issues instead of burying him which was hard enough. The longing to know what had happened would be worth the three month long wait.

After three months we didn’t get any back which opened old wounds. Feeling cheated I opted to cease trying for a baby till we got answers and had all fertility tests done.

James and I saw a specialists who talked in detail about our previous babies and my recent pregnancy. We had chromosome and genetic testing done and we made sure I was eating well, taking folic acid, multi vitamins and 75mg of aspirin daily.

COVID 19

lockdown happened in the middle of our tests. Scans and tests had to be booked and rearranged and to be honest I didn’t mind. I still didn’t feel ready to try for a baby yet. The delay was a good reason not to rush into something and possibly go through the same thing again. My heart couldn’t take it.

Harry’s due date

April 27th came quickly. The build up was awful, filled with thoughts of ‘he should’ve been here. I should’ve been holding my baby for the first time.’ It was painful. Two of my friends successfully gave birth a few days before Harrys due date, It was so bittersweet.

When the day arrived,it was a sombre occasion. Not just for Harry but for the news of a friend of ours had passed away that morning. The significance of the day brought the long awaited closure needed to move on and try again.

Closure

The week of my 30th birthday I got a phone call at work. My specialist was calling to discuss our tests and Harry. I wasn’t expecting this nor was I prepared for what he was about to tell me.

Our tests came back all clear, no issues with me or James. I was then told Harry passed of normal miscarriage related circumstances. It was just one of those things. A huge wave of relief washed over me. The burden of blaming myself for every tiny thing eased and for the first time in months. I felt at peace. Harry wasn’t meant for this world. We’d been given the news that we needed to bring someone into the world who was meant to be. Our chances being upped to 80%. Harry had an purpose. I believe it was for us to get these tests done and to achieve my dream.

First month of trying

This months we’re back trying. For the first time in a long time I’m excited about the idea of having a baby again. We’re excited to work on getting back on track. I started cutting out the caffeine again, eating a lot better and trying to track things! Fingers crossed we get somewhere.

The point of all this was, each person varies with these situations. When James and I lost the other babies, we took a month off and tried again. However for Harry the healing process was a lot longer. Some women may feel we waited too long, others feel trying again now is too soon.

If you want it…

Overall, never lose hope. I’ve read stories of women losing babies but even though its been 7 years still continue to fulfil their dreams.

Our Story is one of hundreds or thousands out there. One which holds a little boy who heard my heart beat from the inside, who had 13 short weeks with us but one we loved so very much.

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