A year has passed and its been so very hard. An entire year since the trauma, loss and grief that still chokes me now. How has that much time passed and the pain still feel so new and raw?
This time last year I was in hospital after a night of ‘labour’, tired, and so heartbroken and alone. Its hard to think a couple of weeks before we were planning our future with our small bundle of joy.
I’ve spent this years grieving, talking about Harry and promoting miscarriage awareness.
I am today completing my Tommy’s fund raiser and will light a candle and allow myself to grieve later.
Right now I want to write a letter.
To my darling Harry,
I’m sorry today hasn’t gone as we had planned. I’m sorry your older brother chose that to have a melt down in the middle of the special meal we had for you and had to leave abruptly. We’re sorry the day fizzled out after the tiredness and the weight of the last few weeks felt heavier than ever. I don’t want you to leave me.
I just wanted to write this letter to you and tell you what a perfect baby you are, we only wish our time together was longer. Your dad and I count our blessings we had this time with you although short. Our beautiful boy.
I wish could watch you grow up and teach you kindness like my grandmother taught me. We wish we could hold you close and keep you near. More than anything I wish we’d had gotten the chance to see you’re smile brighten our days, and for you to see how much joy you’d brought into our lives. I imagine all the time how charming, brave and just ordinary you would have been. You would have fitted in with us perfectly.
I want you to know how important you are to us and we will never forget to remember you. You will forever live in our thoughts and Harry, you will remain forever in my heart for as long as I am alive. I honesty feel lucky to have had these last few months with you and I truly will treasure every moment.
My heart aches…
My heart aches beyond anything I’ve ever experienced- I fear I will never be able to find peace without you. I will try and be positive and live my life to the fullest knowing you’re now watching over me. I will try and find strength every day. Harry I am so thankful for you. I love you. I love you more than anything ever. You were my everything.
Sleep tight now my son, mummy will always be here for you xxx
A year has passed and it still hurts
Miscarriage awareness posts and charities